So, I've felt like crap since yesterday afternoon. First I blamed the plane's air, then I blamed Beau. Then when I saw how many of my friends in Rochester got sick, I concurred that Graham was our Typhoid Mary. I just hope I haven't spread this nastiness to any of my friends here. In spite of my physical funk (my blood sugar got really high too. I started being careful today) I am happy. The air here smells so wonderful in May. There always seems to be a soft breeze wafting the smell of lilac and chestnut and whatever else is blooming around for all to enjoy. Here's a chestnut blossom. they come in so many colors that I will take my camera out as soon as I get batteries.
The red building you can see through the chestnut tree is the Red University. You should check it out in Wikipedia. Interesting history.
The walk up to the restaurant was difficult today, not so much pain as exhaustion. But Glossary is my haven. Which leads me to one of my rambles today. Often in my life I have been a care-taker and haven't done well letting myself be cared for. Two women at Open Arms sneaked up on me. Deb brought me coffee before worship and as soon as worship was over Renee found me to give me my coffee. I noticed their kindness and care for me each time. I think I didn't acknowledge it enough publicly. In general whenever I had need or felt troubled, I have borne it alone and not let people who love me help to bear my burdens. Even when I traveled, I usually did it for someone else or for some work I felt called to do. I traveled for pleasure rarely. The trips Florin and I took to Transylvania in 2009 were for pleasure but I didn't recognize it at the time.
I think leaving Open Arms opened my eyes. I realized that for 9 years, I consciously and unconsciously "carried" each of my people as well as the well-being of the church. All the time in the last few years as I came to Eastern Europe and Scandinavia, I was always aware of my people and my church. I realized yesterday when having time to think because I needed to lie down most of the evening and night, I realized that the part of me that "carried" my people and my church was empty. Not in a bad way. I realized that I need to be open to letting myself be cared for, open to doing things just for pleasure and not to accomplish anything other than re-creation in both senses of the word.
Then I got to Glossary and had a realization yesterday about more or less the same thing. Jenia has taken care of me for a year. He did it by learning what I like, by having suggestions about what I might like, by having my water and coffee ready for me without my asking. Yesterday he had to leave to pick up his car at the garage and there was a kid whom I've never seen before waiting. I realized that I was so used to being taken care of that it was strange to have to tell him what I wanted and how I wanted my meal brought. I noticed that the chef got a phone call - it was Jenia telling them how to take care of me if I came in and he wasn't there. Service got better after that. So I realized that I really do like being taken care of and that it's all right to like that. You'd think I'd have learned this before this age. Jenia informed me today that he and Kate are taking me to Mirgorod for a brief holiday next week. I said "sure" without even thinking about it. There is no purpose in going except to enjoy my Ukrainian adopted family and see a city I haven't seen before. I had to let myself know that I don't have to feel like I'm shirking duty to do that. as you can see, I haven't got the hang of any part of this retired thing. I am constantly amazed that Jenia and Kate have adopted me. they text me good morning and they text me good night. And they don't want anything from me except to be part of them.
and then there's that odd synchronicity thing. An old friend, Jeff, with whom I haven't communicated for a few years, forwarded me a prayer of Fr. Ignacio. I said his prayer and emailed him back that i thought it was sychronicity because I took Ignatius as priest name. As I was sitting in Glossary today, I received a reply from Jeff punning on the Police album with that name. As I was reading it, the music piped in to the restaurant changed to a playlist with the Police, Sting and U2. The universe connects us. We just have to look and listen.
Ok, I knew I had a long ramble in me. I wonder how many will have the patience to make their way through it. But, as always, I write and send it out there. I don't require of expect that anyone read it or read all of it. No expectations makes thing so much easier.
The red building you can see through the chestnut tree is the Red University. You should check it out in Wikipedia. Interesting history.
The walk up to the restaurant was difficult today, not so much pain as exhaustion. But Glossary is my haven. Which leads me to one of my rambles today. Often in my life I have been a care-taker and haven't done well letting myself be cared for. Two women at Open Arms sneaked up on me. Deb brought me coffee before worship and as soon as worship was over Renee found me to give me my coffee. I noticed their kindness and care for me each time. I think I didn't acknowledge it enough publicly. In general whenever I had need or felt troubled, I have borne it alone and not let people who love me help to bear my burdens. Even when I traveled, I usually did it for someone else or for some work I felt called to do. I traveled for pleasure rarely. The trips Florin and I took to Transylvania in 2009 were for pleasure but I didn't recognize it at the time.
I think leaving Open Arms opened my eyes. I realized that for 9 years, I consciously and unconsciously "carried" each of my people as well as the well-being of the church. All the time in the last few years as I came to Eastern Europe and Scandinavia, I was always aware of my people and my church. I realized yesterday when having time to think because I needed to lie down most of the evening and night, I realized that the part of me that "carried" my people and my church was empty. Not in a bad way. I realized that I need to be open to letting myself be cared for, open to doing things just for pleasure and not to accomplish anything other than re-creation in both senses of the word.
Then I got to Glossary and had a realization yesterday about more or less the same thing. Jenia has taken care of me for a year. He did it by learning what I like, by having suggestions about what I might like, by having my water and coffee ready for me without my asking. Yesterday he had to leave to pick up his car at the garage and there was a kid whom I've never seen before waiting. I realized that I was so used to being taken care of that it was strange to have to tell him what I wanted and how I wanted my meal brought. I noticed that the chef got a phone call - it was Jenia telling them how to take care of me if I came in and he wasn't there. Service got better after that. So I realized that I really do like being taken care of and that it's all right to like that. You'd think I'd have learned this before this age. Jenia informed me today that he and Kate are taking me to Mirgorod for a brief holiday next week. I said "sure" without even thinking about it. There is no purpose in going except to enjoy my Ukrainian adopted family and see a city I haven't seen before. I had to let myself know that I don't have to feel like I'm shirking duty to do that. as you can see, I haven't got the hang of any part of this retired thing. I am constantly amazed that Jenia and Kate have adopted me. they text me good morning and they text me good night. And they don't want anything from me except to be part of them.
and then there's that odd synchronicity thing. An old friend, Jeff, with whom I haven't communicated for a few years, forwarded me a prayer of Fr. Ignacio. I said his prayer and emailed him back that i thought it was sychronicity because I took Ignatius as priest name. As I was sitting in Glossary today, I received a reply from Jeff punning on the Police album with that name. As I was reading it, the music piped in to the restaurant changed to a playlist with the Police, Sting and U2. The universe connects us. We just have to look and listen.
Ok, I knew I had a long ramble in me. I wonder how many will have the patience to make their way through it. But, as always, I write and send it out there. I don't require of expect that anyone read it or read all of it. No expectations makes thing so much easier.
The longer the ramble, the better for me. I do feel good knowing that you have family in Ukraine who are looking after you. And even better knowing that you are letting them do so. Feel better soon, and thanks to Jenia and Kate.
ReplyDeleteLove....
I'm glad to read the ramblings. Rambling and bumbling are good for the soul.
ReplyDeleteIt's not called rambling in our world, it's called sharing thoughts and feelings, and experiences. Besides it's interesting and helps keep us connected.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am so glad that you are relaxing and opening yourself to doing things that you enjoy, just because you can. Letting experiences and people in is what the best part of life is all about.
Love ya!
Carrie
I read every word. Glad you are doing some self introspection.
ReplyDeleteand are "living in the moment"
Love
Renee
Keep the "rambling coming" I may not get to read this every day,but,I will get to it at some point.
In defense of Graham, I sat right next to him last Sunday and I am fine. I love it when you go out to do something and then end up learning stuff about yourself. I always end up asking myself, "Why did it take 63 years for me to learn this".
ReplyDelete@Lynne One of the best things about my life is that over and over again I'm in the journey of self-discovery and I learn things in the most unusual places. My adventures are not always exciting, but they are always adventures.
ReplyDeleteNot only do I read all of your posts, whether they are long or short, I even noticed that you have a typo in the second to last sentence... HUGS!!! ~d
ReplyDelete